” I just want the simplethings…” – Miquel
Yes, he sums up what I want these days more and more.
It’s funny where I was and who I was just couple of years ago. I was all about fashion and looking the certain way, having the newest fashion magazines in the spite of not having money for food. My dreams and goals were really far from what they are now. I wanted to be some understated fashion stylist lady. Yes.
Now… I want to be able to have my whole life in max two suitcases. That’s how much I had when I moved the last time just few months ago. I want to have quality and environmentally friendly stuff that hopefully will last forever. I want to live in a cottage somewhere, read a lot of books, run and run and run, write when I feel like the ideas bubble out of me. I want to be able to enjoy all the smallest things, be able to stop and stare at the stars, just because how cool is it when you see stars at the night sky?!
So what happened? Why from that to this?
Mainly because I was really unhappy with my life and how I felt or probably the lack of feelings. You know that numb feeling, when nothing really kicks in. I had moved from Finland to Germany, without a plan, on a whim. I soon realized that okay, Germany is not how I thought it to be, but I was determined to make it work one way or another, because going back home to Finland felt like the biggest loser move. Before I was all about talk and no actions, so after talking big talk about moving away, going back..well no.
But my history with depression kicked in really hard after few unsuccessful months in a new place with nothing to hold on to. And this time it was really bad, I really wanted to just fall asleep and not wake up, because I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I felt that I am hurting all the ones I love, mostly myself. I just didn’t know what to do to get up again.
Running. I had a pair of sneakers, bought because all the cool kids used them as a fashion statement. I put them on and went for a run, it was the worst! But for the first time in my whole life I didn’t want to give up. Some tiny voice in me said that don’t give up. So I didn’t. It was extremely weird, but felt good.
I kept running, I fell out of running, I picked it up again. I changed how I ate, I felt the difference from all of this. I started a blog about my own journey, never written anything in my whole life. I challenged myself in running for a month everyday, I failed and learned like a pro and started changing my life without realizing it.
I studied about nutrition, about running, about just being. I found trailrunning and felt something changing in me. I started dreaming about running ultras. About being able to run in the woods. But I also felt like I should put it aside for a while more. So I ran on the roads, got stronger and happier. For the first time I lived.
So where am I know? Back in Finland, after moving to Denmark. Stayed there for only couple of months, only that because I lost my Grandma while starting my life there. But I got something really important there, the first glimpse of that simpler and quieter life that I had yearned. And I found a friend who runs trails and week after losing Grandma, I went for my first long trail run. And I healed with every step. I got myself back, or the one I have always been but didn’t know how to be. And I felt so much stronger, I had finally gotten to that place what I had dreamed.
After that my whole life has gone to the direction of trails, less is more and happiness.
This life is a struggle at times, but in the best way. It can be lonely, but I like to be alone a lot. It’s quieter, which doesn’t bother me at all. It’s full of challenges, doubts, pain, sweat and mud, and I could not think of any other way to take this all. I know that in the long run, I will be where I’m meant to be.
“…And I need my soul, and the sail needs the wind
Cause I get so lost time and again…” – Sanders Bohlke